My Mission

I will master the push-up.

Allegedly the bent-knee modification is supposed to be easier, but I find the standard push-up to, in fact, be easier. But, it could be because I am doing it wrong.

I like to think I have a nice straight line, but occasionally I will catch a glimpse in the mirror and see some-sort of bastardized downward dog, which I like to call, “slouching puppy,” which apparently is not a recognized fitness posture.

It is also bad form to stare at the floor. You should be looking straight ahead. I find it necessary to look at the floor, just to calculate the rate of impact and how to avoid chipping a tooth or breaking my nose.

Once I have worked out that equation, I am usually looking down to figure out where the disconnect is between my brain and my arms. I’m not sure what part of “lower” they don’t understand. “Bend, dammit!” is also not an understood command. I know the message to lower is being sent, but it gets detoured and winds up at my hips. Again, the “hip-up” is not a recognized fitness move.

There are times when I believe I have accomplished a push-up, only to find that I am the master of illusion. There I am, struggling with all my might, shaking with the effort to lower myself, and just when I think I have achieved one, solid push-up, I check myself in the mirror only to find I have not moved. Not even budged. Chalk that one up to my overactive imagination.

As if the push-ups weren’t bad enough, there was a new move today, where we lay on our side, knees bent and in line with the hips, lower arm is curled up to touch the opposite shoulder, while upper arm is planted straight down, on the floor. The key is to raise your upper body from the floor, not with your abs, but with your arm.

I was pushing. I was pushing. I was pushing.

I was going nowhere.